A Cheap Imitation
by PPP SSC
Summary: Bogo is forced to confront how he truly feels about Clawhauser after going on three unfortunate dates in an attempt to fill the void without work issues. Bogo/Clawhauser. Rated T for mild adult themes and brief coarse language.


A Cheap Imitation

It had been thirty days since Chief Bogo had revealed to Benjamin Clawhauser in confidence the fact that there was _potential_. Maybe, if Benjamin Clawhauser sought employment elsewhere. Or if one or both of them retired. If there was a nuclear fallout rendering government bureaucracy as we know it null and void, there was potential. But potential was as far as he was willing to go.

Clawhauser was Bogo's direct report and Bogo knew that dating him could cause a lot of work-related problems, especially with the higher-ups, who may see him as abusing his power. Even his other direct reports may see him as favoring Clawhauser, leading to jealousy and bad blood. Worst of all would be if Clawhauser, the kindest, most placating animal he ever met, felt pressured into accepting a relationship he did not want.

All of these things, and more, could go wrong, if Bogo gave in to the temptation to ask Clawhauser out. To sweep him off his feet and kiss him out of the blue. To tell him he's the most adorable animal he's ever seen. _It's just a crush,_ he thought. _I'll get over it._ And to help get over it, he had decided to try something that had frightened him for most of his life: dating.

Bogo told Clawhauser, "I'm going to put myself out there."

"Wow!" Clawhauser responded, "So soon?"

"Yeah," Bogo said, "I figure that… you know… I'm not getting any younger."

"Good for you, Chief," Clawhauser said, "I support you all the way."

"Thank you," Bogo said. "Hopefully I'll find someone."

"I'm sure you will… it's entirely possible love is right under your nose," Clawhauser said, before giggling.

"Yeah…" Bogo said, "Maybe…"

Clawhauser gave Bogo a quizzical expression and then shrugged.

So Bogo set out to find himself a date. The first guy who caught his fancy was a rotund boar in a bar. He immediately found himself enticed by his corpulent figure. Bogo approached him and asked, "Hey, are you spoken for?"

"Umm, no, but whoa! You're really ripped!" the boar said. "The name's Lester Pigee, by the way."

"I'm Chief Bogo, just Chief Bogo, unless and until I let you call me something else," Bogo said. He flexed, and then continued, "But thank you."

"I mean, no offense, but what would a bull who looks like you want with a boar who looks like me?" he asked.

"Well, you see," Chief Bogo, "I like a little pudge. Nice and soft."

"Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean," Pigee said.

"It's good for late night cuddles," Bogo said blissfully.

"Cuddles? Ugh," Pigee said. "Tell me what you really mean. I don't have time for that sissy crap."

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Bogo asked.

"I just. Look, I know you mean well, but I really can't stand sissies," Pigee responded.

"Some of the most fun to be around mammals I know are feminine males!" Bogo shouted indignantly.

"And yet…" Pigee continued, "You're not with one of them. You're with me."

"No," Bogo said, "I'm not." He left Pigee behind.

The next day, Bogo walked into the station looking quite grumpy. Clawhauser asked cheerfully, "Hey, Chief! How was your date?"

"My date… it was atrocious," he said bitterly.

"How come?" Clawhauser asked in concern.

"Well… I mean, his physique was nothing to sneeze at," Bogo said, "But… I dunno, I foresee power struggles in the future if I keep going out with him."

"I see…" Clawhauser said. "So a little too aggressive for your taste?"

"At least," Bogo said. He sighed.

"Maybe you went to the wrong venue," Clawhauser offered. "I know a little place you might find someone more… to your liking." He smiled bashfully.

"Really? Where?" Bogo asked.

"Umm…" Clawhauser said, mortified by the direction this conversation took. "Well, uh… there's a little coffeehouse down by my complex."

"Okay, I'll try that!" Bogo said.

Bogo found his next opportunity a few days later at the coffeehouse: a gorgeous artsy caribou. He felt his heart flutter with every little gesture he saw. "Umm… hey, cutie," he said, "Do you have anyone here with you?"

"No," the caribou admitted. "I'm here alone. Well, I was, until a big strong buffalo came in." He swooned.

"So… uh…" Bogo continued, clearing his throat, "Are you… interested?"

"In you?" he asked, "Darling, who wouldn't be?"

"I'm really glad," Bogo said, smiling. "I'm Chief Bogo."

"As in police chief? And here I thought that was just a hot costume… I'm Tucker Dolph. Would you be willing to protect me?" the caribou asked.

"Of course, from who?" Bogo asked.

"Them," Dolph said. He pointed to a table of inconspicuous badgers nonchalantly enjoying some prawn salad.

"Uhh…" Bogo said, "They're badgers. They're tiny compared to you and they're not even doing anything."

"They're predators. Look at the way they chew on the flesh of other animals," Dolph said. "Barbaric. Disgusting. But here you are to protect me." He attempted to rest his head on Bogo's chest but Bogo pulled away.

"Some of the sweetest mammals I know are predators!" Bogo shouted indignantly.

"And yet, you're not with them…" Dolph said, "You're with me."

"No," Bogo said, "I'm not." He left Dolph behind.

When Bogo entered the station the next day, Clawhauser asked, "How did your date go last night, Chief?"

"Poorly," Bogo groaned.

"What happened this time?" Clawhauser asked.

"The good news is I wouldn't have to worry about any power struggles with this one. The bad news is… he seemed to be living in the Stone Age," Bogo said.

"Really?" Clawhauser asked.

"Yeah…" Bogo said, "He didn't seem to realize that the distinction between predator and prey was mostly arbitrary at this point."

"Oh…" Clawhauser said. "So… I'm assuming you're not seeing him again?"

"No," Bogo said. He sighed. "Clawhauser, you're single, right?"

Clawhauser's eyes lit up when he heard that and then he said eagerly, "Yes sir! And looking!"

"Will you…" Bogo began.

Clawhauser grinned broadly and leaned his face towards Bogo. "Will I, what, Chief?"

"Will you tell me the best way to find a date that won't blow up in my face?" Bogo asked.

Clawhauser frowned. "Well, I wanted to say talking to the mammals you know the best but apparently that doesn't always work," he said disappointedly.

Bogo picked up on this immediately. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing," Clawhauser said, still in a disappointed tone.

"It is not nothing," Bogo said. "Come on, tell me what the problem is. I'll make it better."

"You wouldn't understand," he responded sadly.

"Wait, wait, hold up," Bogo said, "I am many things but one thing I am not is oblivious to your feelings."

Clawhauser said, "I'm sure." He continued with an unconvincing smile, "Good luck on your next date."

Bogo looked at Clawhauser, fraught with worry, but he had no idea what the issue was, since Clawhauser wouldn't tell him.

A week later, a few blocks away, he saw a positively adorable bobcat. He saw the pointy ears, the button nose, the whiskers, and the fluffy spotted coat and knew the third attempt was bound to be the charm.

"Hey, umm," Bogo said, "You taken?"

"Of course not," the bobcat said. "My name's James Kittredge."

"Chief Bogo," Bogo responded.

"I can tell from your physique that you're really into fitness," Kittredge said. "Me too. I mean, I might not have much muscle mass but at least I'm not… you know."

"No, I don't," Bogo said, "Please enlighten me."

"You know, a big tub of lard," Kittredge said, "I mean fat mammals are so gross."

"Some of the cutest mammals I know are heavyset!" Bogo shouted indignantly.

"And yet," Kittredge said, "You're with me instead of them."

"No," Bogo said. "I'm not." He turned to leave Kittredge behind but then stopped in his tracks. He said for the first time out loud, "Good god, I'm in love with him."

"Huh?" Kittredge asked.

"I can't deny it any longer," Bogo said. "I thought it was just infatuation that would pass but now I know: I'm in love with my front desk officer."

"What makes you so sure?" Kittredge asked.

"First I went out with a boar that I thought was cute because he was chubby but he didn't like 'sissies.' Then I went out with a caribou that I thought was fun because he was a 'sissy' but he didn't like predators. Now I try to date you, a bobcat, because you're not just a predator but a fucking _spotted feline_ , and it doesn't work out because you don't like chubby guys. Do you see now?" Bogo asked. "Everything I've done in the last week and a half, it's been trying to fill a void with cheap imitations."

"Did you just call me a cheap imitation?" Kittredge asked.

"Yes," Bogo said bluntly, "And I'm not taking it back. Because it's not just his shape or just his mannerisms or just his animal heritage that I love. It's him. Everything about him. I'm tempted to date mammals who remind me of him, and lose that temptation every time they say something bad about him. Especially since I know he would never, ever respond in kind even if his life depended on it."

"So if you feel that strongly about him, why didn't you just ask him out in the first place?" Kittredge asked.

"Were it only that simple," Bogo said, "I'm his _boss_."

"So?" Kittredge asked.

"So, he might feel pressured to start a relationship he doesn't even want!" Bogo shouted.

"Uh, have you looked in a mirror lately?" Kittredge asked.

"Clawhauser isn't shallow," Bogo said. "Like, at all. He wouldn't fall in love with me just because I was conventionally attractive."

"Okay, then," Kittredge continued, "Do you have any evidence that he's _not_ in love with you? Because frankly, if I had a boss who cared about me as much as you care about him… I'd be smitten."

Bogo's eyes widened. He had been so preoccupied with the possibility of Clawhauser wanting to reject him that he hadn't even considered that he might have felt the same way. He remembered Clawhauser's sudden disappointment that he couldn't explain. Then he remembered what he asked him just beforehand and the response received.

" _You're single, right?"_

" _Yes sir! And looking!"_

"Oh my god," Bogo said, "Well, I feel like an idiot. All this time… could he really have been giving me an open invitation? Could he really… be in love with me?"

"Go get your chubby hubby, buff buffalo," Kittredge said. He chuckled, then continued, "To each his own."

The next day, Bogo rigorously researched until he finally came upon a solution that would allow him to date Clawhauser and keep the bureaucrats happy: paperwork. He typed it up as soon as he possibly could, then put it in his cabinet for future use… of course, unless Clawhauser accepted, he would burn it afterwards.

Once he was finished setting it up, Bogo did finally tell Clawhauser how he felt. They shared their first kiss and Bogo asked him out to a concert. As they left the office, Clawhauser asked Bogo, "So… I'm assuming that your last date wasn't any better than the first two?"

"No," Bogo said, "It was a lot better."

"It was? Then why…" he began. Bogo cut him off.

"Oh, sure, the guy didn't have a high tolerance for heavy eaters, but I mean he did help me realize how I felt about you," Bogo said.

Clawhauser burst into hysterical giggles.

"What's so funny?" Bogo asked, with his arms crossed.

"You had an epiphany with a guy who said 'no fatties,'" Clawhauser said.

"No," Bogo said, "I had an epiphany with a _bobcat_ who said 'no fatties'."

"A bobcat?" Clawhauser asked, "How on-the-nose."

"You know the physique I was praising on the first one?" Bogo asked.

"Yes," Clawhauser said.

"Heavyset," Bogo responded.

"But too aggressive?" Clawhauser asked.

"That, and he apparently thought that all males had to be the same way," Bogo said. "I should tell you I got offended on your behalf on all three dates."

"Chief," Clawhauser said, "All this time… I thought you weren't picking up on my cues because you weren't interested in me."

"That couldn't be further from the truth," Bogo admitted. "The truth is I've been madly in love with you for quite some time but I was wrong about one thing. I was apparently _very_ oblivious to your feelings."

Clawhauser rested his head on Bogo's chest and then said, "Well, it's okay, Chief. Apparently I was also oblivious to yours."

"No, that's my fault because I was _trying_ to hide them from you," Bogo said.

"But the good news is…" Clawhauser said, "You never have to hide them from me again."

"And that's good news for both of us, I'm sure," Bogo said, "It was never my intention to hurt your feelings."

"It's alright, Chief," Clawhauser said, "Really. I was only sad because I thought we'd never be together. But now we _are_ together!"

"I love everything about you," Bogo said, "Everything. Don't change one detail."

"You don't have to worry about that, big guy," Clawhauser said, standing on his toes, attempting to reach Bogo's face. Bogo gently boosted him up, at which point Clawhauser kissed Bogo on the cheek. Bogo kissed Clawhauser back on the mouth.


End file.
